The Project Gutenberg eBook of Perverted Proverbs: A Manual of Immorals for the Many

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: Perverted Proverbs: A Manual of Immorals for the Many

Author: Harry Graham

Release date: December 30, 2010 [eBook #34790]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Mark C. Orton, Carol Brown and the Online

Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This

book was produced from scanned images of public domain

material from the Google Print project.)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERVERTED PROVERBS: A MANUAL OF IMMORALS FOR THE MANY ***

PERVERTED

PROVERBS

A MANUAL OF IMMORALS

FOR THE MANY

BY

COL. D. STREAMER

Author of "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless

Homes" "Ballads of the Boer War"

"The Baby's Baedeker"

NEW YORK

R. H. RUSSELL

1903

Copyright, 1903, by Robert Howard Russell

Published May, 1903.

PERVERTED PROVERBS

Perverted Proverbs

Dedicated to

Helen Whitney

Do you recall those bygone days,

When you received with kindly praise

My bantling book of Rhyme?

Praise undeserved, alas! and yet

How sweet! For, tho' we had not met,

(Ah! what a waste of time!)

I could the more enjoy such mercies

Since I delighted in your verses.

And when a Poet stoops to smile

On some one of the rank and file,

(Inglorious—if not mute,)

Some groundling bard who craves to climb,

Like me, the dizzy rungs of Rhyme,

To reach the Golden Fruit;

For one in such a situation

The faintest praise is no damnation.

Parnassus heights must surely pall;

For simpler diet do you call,

Of nectar growing tired?

These verses to your feet I bring,

Drawn from an unassuming spring,

Well-meant—if not inspired;

O charming Poet's charming daughter,

Descend and taste my toast and water!

For you alone these lines I write,

That, reading them, your brow may light

Beneath its crown of bays;

Your eyes may sparkle like a star,

With friendship, that is dearer far

Than any breath of praise;

The which a lucky man possessing

Can ask no higher human blessing.

And, though the "salt estranging sea"

Be widely spread 'twixt you and me,

We have what makes amends;

And since I am so glad of you,

Be glad of me a little, too,

Because of being friends.

And, if I earn your approbation,

Accept my humble dedication.

H. G.

Foreword

The Press may pass my Verses by

With sentiments of indignation,

And say, like Greeks of old, that I

Corrupt the Youthful Generation;

I am unmoved by taunts like these—

(And so, I think, was Socrates).

Howe'er the Critics may revile,

I pick no journalistic quarrels,

Quite realizing that my Style

Makes up for any lack of Morals;

For which I feel no shred of shame—

(And Byron would have felt the same).

I don't intend a Child to read

These lines, which are not for the Young;

For, if I did, I should indeed

Feel fully worthy to be hung.

(Is "hanged" the perfect tense of "hang"?

Correct me, Mr. Andrew Lang!)

O Young of Heart, tho' in your prime,

By you these Verses may be seen!

Accept the Moral with the Rhyme,

And try to gather what I mean.

But, if you can't, it won't hurt me!

(And Browning would, I know, agree.)

Be reassured, I have not got

The style of Stephen Phillips' heroes,

Nor Henry Jones's pow'r of Plot,

Nor wit like Arthur Wing Pinero's!

(If so, I should not waste my time

In writing you this sort of rhyme.)

I strive to paint things as they Are,

Of Realism the true Apostle;

All flow'ry metaphors I bar,

Nor call the homely thrush a "throstle."

Such synonyms would make me smile.

(And so they would have made Carlyle.)

My Style may be at times, I own,

A trifle cryptic or abstruse;

In this I do not stand alone,

And need but mention, in excuse,

A thousand world-familiar names,

From Meredith to Henry James.

From these my fruitless fancy roams

To seek the Ade of Modern Fable,

From Doyle's or Hemans' "Stately Ho(l)mes,"

To t'other of The Breakfast Table;

Like Galahad, I wish (in vain)

"My wit were as the wit of Twain!"

Had I but Whitman's rugged skill,

(And managed to escape the Censor),

The Accuracy of a Mill,

The Reason of a Herbert Spencer,

The literary talents even

Of Sidney Lee or Leslie Stephen.

The pow'r of Patmore's placid pen,

Or Watson's gift of execration,

The sugar of Le Gallienne,

Or Algernon's Alliteration.

One post there is I'd not be lost in,

—Tho' I might find it most ex-austin'!

Some day, if I but study hard,

The public, vanquished by my pen'll

Acclaim me as a Minor Bard,

Like Norman Gale or Mrs. Meynell,

And listen to my lyre a-rippling

Imperial banjo-spasms like Kipling.

Were I a syndicate like K.

Or flippant scholar like Augustine;

Had I the style of Pater, say,

Which ev'ryone would put their trust in,

I'd love (as busy as a squirrel)

To pate, to kipple, and to birrel.

So don't ignore me. If you should,

'Twill touch me to the very heart oh!

To be as much misunderstood

As once was Andrea del Sarto;

Unrecognized to toil away,

Like Millet—not, of course, Millais.

And, pray, for Morals do not look

In this unique agglomeration,

—This unpretentious little book

Of Infelicitous Quotation.

I deem you foolish if you do,

(And Mr. Russell thinks so, too).

"Virtue is Its Own Reward"

Virtue its own reward? Alas!

And what a poor one as a rule!

Be Virtuous and Life will pass

Like one long term of Sunday-School.

(No prospect, truly, could one find

More unalluring to the mind.)

You may imagine that it pays

To practise Goodness. Not a bit!

You cease receiving any praise

When people have got used to it;

'Tis generally understood

You find it easy to be good.

The Model Child has got to keep

His fingers and his garments white;

In church he may not go to sleep,

Nor ask to stop up late at night.

In fact he must not ever do

A single thing he wishes to.

He may not paddle in his boots,

Like naughty children, at the Sea;

The sweetness of Forbidden Fruits

Is not, alas! for such as he.

He watches, with pathetic eyes,

His weaker brethren make mud-pies.

He must not answer back, oh no!

However rude grown-ups may be,

But keep politely silent, tho'

He brim with scathing repartee;

For nothing is considered worse

Than scoring off Mamma or Nurse.

He must not eat too much at meals,

Nor scatter crumbs upon the floor;

However vacuous he feels,

He may not pass his plate for more;

—Not tho' his ev'ry organ ache

For further slabs of Christmas cake.

He is enjoined to choose his food

From what is easy to digest;

A choice which in itself is good,

But never what he likes the best.

(At times how madly he must wish

For just one real unwholesome dish!)

And, when the wretched urchin plays

With other little girls and boys,

He has to show unselfish ways

By giving them his choicest toys;

His ears he lets them freely box,

Or pull his lubricated locks.

His face is always being washed,

His hair perpetually brushed,

And thus his brighter side is squashed,

His human instincts warped and crushed;

Small wonder that his early years

Are filled with "thoughts too deep for tears."

He is commanded not to waste

The fleeting hours of childhood's days

By giving way to any taste

For circuses or matinées;

For him the entertainments planned

Are "Lectures on the Holy Land."

He never reads a story book

By Rider H. or Winston C.,

In vain upon his desk you'd look

For tales by Richard Harding D.;

Nor could you find upon his shelf

The works of Rudyard—or myself!

He always fears that he may do

Some action that is infra dig.,

And so he lives his short life through

In the most noxious rôle of Prig.

("Short life" I say, for it's agreed

The Good die very young indeed.)

Ah me! How sad it is to think

He could have lived like me—or you!

With practice and a taste for drink,

Our joys he might have known, he too!

And shared the pleasure we have had

In being gloriously bad!

The Naughty Boy gets much delight

From doing what he should not do;

But, as such conduct isn't Right,

He sometimes suffers for it, too.

Yet, what's a spanking to the fun

Of leaving vital things Undone?

If he's notoriously bad,

But for a day should change his ways,

His parents will be all so glad,

They'll shower him with gifts and praise!

(It pays a connoisseur in crimes

To be a perfect saint at times.)

Of course there always lies the chance

That he is charged with being ill,

And all his innocent romance

Is ruined by a rhubarb pill.

(Alas! 'Tis not alone the Good

That are so much misunderstood.)

But, as a rule, when he behaves

(Evincing no malarial signs),

His friends are all his faithful slaves,

Until he once again declines

With easy conscience, more or less,

To undiluted wickedness.

The Wicked flourish like the bay,

At Cards or Love they always win,

Good Fortune dogs their steps all day,

They fatten while the Good grow thin.

The Righteous Man has much to bear;

The Bad becomes a Bullionaire!

For, though he be the greatest sham,

Luck favours him his whole life through;

At "Bridge" he always makes a Slam

After declaring "Sans atout";

With ev'ry deal his fate has planned

A hundred Aces in his hand.

And it is always just the same;

He somehow manages to win,

By mere good fortune, any game

That he may be competing in.

At Golf no bunker breaks his club,

For him the green provides no "rub."

At Billiards, too, he flukes away

(With quite unnecessary "side");

No matter what he tries to play,

For him the pockets open wide;

He never finds both balls in baulk,

Or makes miss-cues for want of chalk.

He swears; he very likely bets;

He even wears a flaming necktie;

Inhales Egyptian cigarettes

And has a "Mens Inconscia Recti";

Yet, spite of all, one must confess

That naught succeeds like his excess.

There's no occasion to be Just,

No need for motives that are fine,

To be Director of a Trust,

Or Manager of a Combine;

Your corner is a public curse,

Perhaps; but it will fill your purse.

Then stride across the Public's bones,

Crush all opponents under you,

Until you "rise on stepping-stones

Of their dead selves"; and, when you do,

The widow's and the orphan's tears

Shall comfort your declining years!

But having had your boom in oil,

And made your millions out of it,

Would you propose to cease from toil?

Great Vanderfeller! Not a bit!

You've got to labour, day and night,

Until you die—and serve you right!

Then, when you stop this frenzied race,

And others in your office sit,

You'll leave the world a better place,

—The better for your leaving it!

For there's a chance perhaps your heir

May spend what you've collected there.

Myself, how lucky I must be,

That need not fear so gross an end;

Since Fortune has not favoured me

With many million pounds to spend.

(Still, did that fickle Dame relent,

I'd show you how they should be spent!)

I am not saint enough to feel

My shoulder ripen to a wing,

Nor have I wits enough to steal

His title from the Copper King;

And there's a vasty gulf between

The Man I Am and Might Have Been;

But tho' at dinner I may take

Too much of Heidsieck (extra dry),

And underneath the table make

My simple couch just where I lie,

My mode of roosting on the floor

Is just a trick and nothing more.

And when, not Wisely but too Well,

My thirst I have contrived to quench,

The stories I am apt to tell

May be, perhaps, a trifle French;

(For 'tis in anecdote, no doubt,

That what's Bred in the Beaune comes out.)

It does not render me unfit

To give advice, both wise and right,

Because I do not follow it

Myself as closely as I might;

There's nothing that I wouldn't do

To point the proper road to you.

And this I'm sure of, more or less,

And trust that you will all agree,

The Elements of Happiness

Consist in being—just like Me;

No sinner, nor a saint perhaps,

But—well, the very best of chaps.

Share the Experience I have had,

Consider all I've known and seen,

And Don't be Good, and Don't be Bad,

But cultivate a Golden Mean.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *

What makes Existence really nice

Is Virtue—with a dash of Vice.

"Enough is as Good as a Feast."

What is Enough? An idle dream!

One cannot have enough, I swear,

Of Ices or Meringues-and-Cream,

Nougat or Chocolate Eclairs,

Of Oysters or of Caviar,

Of Prawns or Paté de Foie Grar!

Who would not willingly forsake

Kindred and Home, without a fuss,

For Icing from a Birthday Cake,

Or juicy fat Asparagus,

And journey over countless seas

For New Potatoes and Green Peas?

They say that a Contented Mind

Is a Continual Feast;—but where

The mental frame, and how to find,

Which can with Turtle Soup compare?

No mind, however full of Ease,

Could be Continual Toasted Cheese.

For dinner have a sole to eat,

(Some Perrier Jouet, '92,)

An Entrée then (and, with the meat,

A bottle of Lafitte will do),

A quail, a glass of port (just one),

Liqueurs and coffee, and you've done.

But should you want a hearty meal,

And not this gourmet's lightsome snack,

Fill up with terrapin and teal,

Clam chowder, crabs and canvasback;

With all varieties of sauce,

And diff'rent wines for ev'ry course.

Your tastes may be of simpler type;—

A homely glass of "half-and-half,"

An onion and a dish of tripe,

Or headpiece of the kindly calf.

(Cruel perhaps, but then, you know,

"'Faut tout souffrir pour être veau!")

'Tis a mistake to eat too much

Of any dishes but the best;

And you, of course, should never touch

A thing you know you can't digest;

For instance, lobster;—if you do,

Well,—I'm amayonnaised at you!

Let this be your heraldic crest,

A bottle (chargé) of Champagne,

A chicken (gorged) with salad (dress'd),

Below, this motto to explain—

"Enough is Very Good, may be;

Too Much is Good Enough for Me!"

"Don't Buy a Pig in a Poke."

Unscrupulous Pigmongers will

Attempt to wheedle and to coax

The ignorant young housewife till

She purchases her pigs in pokes;

Beasts that have got a Lurid Past,

Or else are far Too Good to Last.

So, should you not desire to be

The victim of a cruel hoax,

Then promise me, ah! promise me,

You will not purchase pigs in pokes!

('Twould be an error just as big

To poke your purchase in a pig.)

Too well I know the bitter cost,

To turn this subject off with jokes;

How many a fortune has been lost

By men who purchased pigs in pokes.

(Ah! think on such when you would talk

With mouths that are replete with pork!)

And, after dinner, round the fire,

Astride of Grandpa's rugged knee,

Implore your bored but patient sire

To tell you what a Poke may be.

The fact he might disclose to you—

Which is far more than I can do.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *

The Moral of The Pigs and Pokes

Is not to make your choice too quick.

In purchasing a Book of Jokes,

Pray poke around and take your pick.

Who knows how rich a mental meal

The covers of this book conceal?

"Learn to Take Things Easily."

To these few words, it seems to me,

A wealth of sound instruction clings;

O Learn to Take things easily—

Espeshly Other People's Things;

And Time will make your fingers deft

At what is known as Petty Theft.

Your precious moments do not waste;

Take Ev'rything that isn't tied!

Who knows but you may have a Taste,

A Gift perhaps, for Homicide,—

(A Mania which, encouraged, thrives

On Taking Other People's Lives).

"Fools and Their Money soon must part!"

And you can help this on, may be,

If, in the kindness of your Heart,

You Learn to Take things easily;

And be, with little education,

A Prince of Misappropriation.

"A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss."

I never understood, I own,

What anybody (with a soul)

Could mean by offering a Stone

This needless warning not to Roll;

And what inducement there can be

To gather Moss I fail to see.

I'd sooner gather anything,

Like primroses, or news perhaps,

Or even wool (when suffering

A momentary mental lapse);

But could forego my share of moss,

Nor ever realize the loss.

'Tis a botanical disease,

And worthy of remark as such;

Lending a dignity to trees,

To ruins a romantic touch.

A timely adjunct, I've no doubt,

But not worth writing home about.

Of all the Stones I ever met,

In calm repose upon the ground,

I really never found one yet

With a desire to roll around;

Theirs is a stationary rôle,—

(A joke,—and feeble on the whole).

But, if I were a stone, I swear

I'd sooner move and view the World

Than sit and grow the greenest hair

That ever Nature combed and curled.

I see no single saving grace

In being known as "Mossyface!"

Instead, I might prove useful for

A weapon in the hand of Crime,

A paperweight, a milestone, or

A missile at Election time;

In each capacity I could

Do quite incalculable good.

When well directed from the Pit,

I might promote a welcome death,

If fortunate enough to hit

Some budding Hamlet or Macbeth,

Who twice each day the playhouse fills,—

(For further Notice See Small Bills).

At concerts, too, if you prefer,

I could prevent your growing deaf,

By silencing the amateur

Before she reached that upper F.;

Or else, in lieu of half-a-brick,

Restrain some local Kubelik.

Then, human stones, take my advice,

(As you should always do, indeed);

This proverb may be very nice,

But don't you pay it any heed,

And, tho' you make the critics cross,

Roll on, and never mind the moss.

"After Dinner Sit a While; After Supper Walk a Mile."

After luncheon sit awhile,

'Tis an admirable plan;

After dinner walk a mile—

But make certain that you can.

(Were you not this maxim taught;—

"Good is Wrought by want of Port.")

After dinner think on this;

Join the ladies with a smile,

And remember that a Miss

Is as good as any mile.

(Thus you may be led to feel

What Amis felt for Amile.)

Never fear of being shy

At the houses where you dine;

You'll recover by-and-bye,

With the second glass of wine;

And can recognize with bliss

That a Meal is not amiss.

"It is Never Too Late to Mend."

Since it can never be too late

To change your life, or else renew it,

Let the unpleasant process wait

Until you are compelled to do it.

The State provides (and gratis too)

Establishments for such as you.

Remember this, and pluck up heart,

That, be you publican or parson,

Your ev'ry art must have a start,

From petty larceny to arson;

And even in the burglar's trade,

The cracksman is not born, but made.

So, if in your career of crime,

You fail to carry out some "coup",

Then try again a second time,

And yet again, until you do;

And don't despair, or fear the worst,

Because you get found out at first.

Perhaps the battle will not go,

On all occasions, to the strongest;

You may be fairly certain tho'

That He Laughs Last who laughs the Longest.

So keep a good reserve of laughter,

Which may be found of use hereafter.

Believe me that, howe'er well meant,

A Good Resolve is always brief;

Don't let your precious hours be spent

In turning over a new leaf.

Such leaves, like Nature's, soon decay,

And then are only in the way.

The Road to—well, a certain spot,

(A Road of very fair dimensions),

Has, so the proverb tells us, got

A parquet-floor of Good Intentions.

Take care, in your desire to please,

You do not add a brick to these.

For there may come a moment when

You shall be mended willy-nilly,

With many more misguided men,

Whose skill is undermined with skilly.

Till then procrastinate, my friend;

"It Never is Too Late to Mend!"

"A Bad Workman Complains of his Tools."

This Pen of mine is simply grand,

I never loved a pen so much;

This Paper (underneath my hand)

Is really a delight to touch;

And never in my life, I think,

Did I make use of finer ink.

The Subject upon which I write

Is everything that I could choose;

I seldom knew my Wits more bright,

More cosmopolitan my Views;

Nor ever did my Head contain

So surplus a supply of Brain!

Potpourri.

There are many more Maxims to which

I would like to accord a front place,

But alas! I have got

To omit a whole lot,

For the lack of available space;

And the rest I am forced to boil down and condense

To the following Essence of Sound without Sense:

Now the Pitcher that journeys too oft

To the Well will get broken at last.

But you'll find it a fact

That, by using some tact,

Such a danger as this can be past.

(There's an obvious way, and a simple, you'll own,

Which is, if you're a Pitcher, to Let Well alone.)

Half a loafer is never well-bred,

And Self-Praise is a Dangerous Thing.

And the Mice are at play

When the Cat is away,

For a moment, inspecting a King.

(Tho' if Care kills a Cat, as the Proverbs declare,

It is right to suppose that the King will take care.)

Don't Halloo till you're out of the Wood,

When a Stitch in Good Time will save nine,

While a Bird in the Hand

Is worth Two, understand,

In the Bush that Needs no Good Wine.

(Tho' the two, if they Can sing but Won't, have been known,

By an accurate aim to be killed with one Stone.)

Never Harness the Cart to the Horse;

Since the latter should be à la carte.

And Birds of a Feather

Come Flocking Together,

Because they can't well Flock Apart.

(You may cast any Bread on the Waters, I think,

But, unless I'm mistaken, you can't make it Sink.)

It is only the Fool who remarks

That there Can't be a Fire without Smoke;

Has he never yet learned

How the gas can be turned

On the best incombustible coke?

(Would you value a man by the checks on his suits,

And forget "que c'est le premier passbook qui Coutts?")

Now "De Mortuis Nil Nisi Bo-

num," is Latin, as ev'ryone owns;

If your domicile be

Near a Mortuaree,

You should always avoid throwing bones.

(I would further remark, if I could,—but I couldn't—

That People Residing in Glasshouses shouldn't.)

You have heard of the Punctual Bird,

Who was First in presenting his Bill;

But I pray you'll be firm,

And remember the Worm

Had to get up much earlier still;

(So that, if you can't rise in the morning, then Don't;

And be certain that Where there's a Will there's a Won't.)

You can give a bad name to a Dog,

And hang him by way of excuse;

Whereas Hunger, of course,

Is by far the Best Sauce

For the Gander as well as the Goose.

(But you shouldn't judge anyone just by his looks,

For a Surfeit of Broth ruins too many Cooks.)

With the fact that Necessity knows

Nine Points of the Law, you'll agree.

There are just as Good Fish

To be found on a Dish

As you ever could catch in the Sea.

(You should Look ere you Leap on a Weasel Asleep,

And I've also remarked That Still Daughters Run Cheap.)

The much trodden-on Lane will Turn,

And a Friend is in Need of a Friend;

But the Wisest of Saws,

Like the Camel's Last Straws,

Or the Longest of Worms, have an end.

So, before out of Patience a Virtue you make,

A decisive farewell of these maxims we'll take.

Envoi.

"Don't Look a Gifthorse in the Mouth"

I knew a man, who lived down South;

He thought this maxim to defy;

He looked a Gifthorse in the Mouth;

The Gifthorse bit him in the Eye!

And, while the steed enjoyed his bite,

My Southern friend mislaid his sight.

Now, had this foolish man, that day,

Observed the Gifthorse in the Heel,

It might have kicked his brains away,

But that's a loss he would not feel;

Because you see (need I explain?)

My Southern friend had got no brain.

When anyone to you presents

A poodle, or a pocketknife,

A set of Ping-pong instruments,

A banjo or a Lady-wife,

'Tis churlish, as I understand,

To grumble that they're second-hand.

And he who termed Ingratitude

As "worser nor a servant's tooth"

Was evidently well imbued

With all the elements of Truth;

(While he who said "Uneasy lies

The tooth that wears a crown" was wise).

"One must be poor," George Eliot said,

"To know the luxury of giving;"

So too one really should be dead

To realize the joy of living.

(I'd sooner be—I don't know which—

I'd like to be alive and rich!)

This book may be a Gifthorse too,

And one you surely ought to prize;

If so, I beg you, read it through

With kindly and uncaptious eyes,

Not grumbling because this particular line doesn't happen to scan,

And this one doesn't rhyme!

Aftword.

'Tis done! We reach the final page,

With feelings of relief, I'm certain;

And there arrives at such a stage,

The moment to ring down the curtain.

(This metaphor is freely taken

From Shakespeare—or perhaps from Bacon.)

The Book perused, our Future brings

A plethora of blank to-morrows,

When memories of Happier Things

Will be our Sorrow's Crown of Sorrows.

(I trust you recognize this line

As being Tennyson's, not mine.)

My verses may indeed be few,

But are they not, to quote the poet,

"The sweetest things that ever grew

Beside a human door"? I know it.

(What an inhuman door would be,

Enquire of Wordsworth, please, not me.)

'Twas one of my most cherished dreams

To write a Moral Book some day;

What says the Bard? "The best laid schemes

Of Mice and Men gang aft agley!"

(The Bard here mentioned, by the bye,

Is Robbie Burns, of course—not I.)

And tho' my pen records each thought

As swift as the phonetic Pitman,

Morality is not my "forte,"

O Camarados! (vide Whitman)

And, like the Porcupine, I still

Am forced to ply a fretful quill.

We may be Master of our Fate,

(As Henley was inspired to mention)

Yet am I but the Second Mate

Upon the ss. "Good Intention";

For me the course direct is lacking—

I have to do a deal of tacking.

To seek for Morals here's a task

Of which you well may be despairing;

"What has become of them?" you ask,

They've given us the slip—like Waring.

"Look East!" said Browning once, and I

Would make a similar reply.

Look East, where in a garret drear,

The Author works, without cessation,

Composing verses for a mere-

ly nominal remuneration;

And, while he has the strength to write 'em,

Will do so still—ad infinitum.

FINIS.

Transcriber's Notes:

The words 'bo-num' and 'mere-ly' were retained hyphenated at the ends of lines to match the printed edition and maintain the poetical intent of the author.

Changed 'Heidsick' to 'Heidsieck.'

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERVERTED PROVERBS: A MANUAL OF IMMORALS FOR THE MANY ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

- • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

- • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

- • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

- • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Table of Contents

PERVERTED PROVERBS

A MANUAL OF IMMORALS FOR THE MANY

COL. D. STREAMER

NEW YORK R. H. RUSSELL 1903

PERVERTED PROVERBS

Perverted Proverbs

Helen Whitney

Foreword

"Virtue is Its Own Reward"

"Enough is as Good as a Feast."

"Don't Buy a Pig in a Poke."

"Learn to Take Things Easily."

"A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss."

"After Dinner Sit a While; After Supper Walk a Mile."

"It is Never Too Late to Mend."

"A Bad Workman Complains of his Tools."

Potpourri.

Envoi.

Aftword.

FINIS.

Transcriber's Notes:

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE